SHUT ME UP PLEASE

It has been my style of stressing out my opinions about everything i am asked for. I almost have opinion about everything. I sometimes manipulate things by expressing my thoughts and uttering my intellect. but indeed, many people misinterpret me.. as always, as expected. I have been caught in so much troubles because of my words. Yeah, ME and my big mouth ass they say. I really tried my best to shut up, i really just can't. When people tries to stop me expressing my ideas, i feel very very weak, since for ME expressing  my ideas is a way of expressing how good, how intelligent, or how lovable i am, and will be. But it wasn't good every time.

I used speaking up my mind as way of expressing my anxiety. Yes, i feel relieve when I'm talking. But sometimes i realize that it, yeah, it may have relieved me from anxiety but it is different to others, it caused to them something. i have been in troubles because of my mouth,here are the examples:

1. i told a friend that she has been cursed by my male friend. I thought it was nothing, but the real thing is that she was very sensitive about "F.U's" and "P.I"s. and that she went straight to that friend of mine and they had a rift, and also that male friend and i had a gap afterwards.
2. I was expressing so much about the one i hate in the work place, that is when i found out that the one i am expressing about that person, is her/his friend.
3. Nung tinanong ako ng kaibigan ko kung yung lalaki ba na yun eh naging sila ng girlfriend nya ngayon, I said yes, and insisted by saying "halata naman eh". They've been fighting since then about that. i felt guilty but i didn't know she was lying to him.
4.When a co-worker told me about the past argument they had with the co-worker, and i started teasing her when they have worked together again in a long time, i was very guilty and that i even dreamt about it.
5. When what i said has been used against me, that it made me more anxious.
6. And now the latest, when people asked me who i thought will be the next contractual nurse, that was a question i answered frankly, and people thought that this things were true.it was just ideas, but i told them it was just my personal choices.

A person who i respected so much said "you and your big mouth". It was in a way, that i know, was a joke, but it hit me so much to realize that, "hello, here i am again, killing myself because of my thoughts". personally i did this things to mislead people.. But the moment i heard those words made me think and said "i will stop" and that expressing my thought should just be to myself. It really leads into malicious beliefs, i didn't intend it, it just came right after.

It kept on thinking about that however. i think someone is spreading the news that i am spreading something which is totally untrue to make me unlikable, or to make me be "the bad person".. it's just so sad that some people may have been very desperate to destroy me. They didn't think that the more they try to destroy me, the more i become powerful :)

If what i said have hurt people, I am sorry. i wont do it again. but what i can assure you is that i don't initiate everything, i was asked, i just answered. I may have been a talkative jerk, but i still keep secrets.