Life was still a struggle for me, (as usual) i think. but what's good with this first half of the year is that my relationship with my wife is still awesome, We have enough money on our pockets, We are all healthy, Childless now, but we know in God's time, we'll have soon. I am not alone, I am happy. I just needed to realize that.
It was never easy comparing myself to people in every aspect of life. I should never feel insecure, as i am the most secured state of my being. It was hard, Life abroad is hard especially when you have dream of so much in your lifetime, in which now, still unsure, if those dreams were dead, or just stagnant.
When i came here, I envisioned myself to become a Nurse in a hospital. Never in my wildest dreams that i will be in a construction site working as an Occupational Nurse. Is my work that hard?Hell No. It was like I was just here cause they required nurse. I should be happy right? I'm receiving enough amount, doing nothing. If i was lazy back in the Philippines, then i would love my work so much. But i wasn't. I am a person who works better under pressure, the one who always moves around. I know I can do better, than just this. Seeing my former male volunteer nurses in facebook, with their uniform and working in a hospital abroad made me very very jealous. Do they have lesser salary than mine? Maybe. But at least they were doing what they love to do. I always asked myself, Did I make the right decisions in my life?There is no growth in here for me. If only it is that easy to leave.
The problem is that, the more i become vacant, the more i feel all of
these. The more i become dormant, the more i feel insignificant. The
more time i do nothing, the more WHAT IF's I ask.
But i should not resent anymore. I should move on from the past. This is me now. and as much as i hate to stay this way, I need to suck it up and move forward. This is my work now, and for at least another 4 more years. The old Xander would say, "I will not stay this way for a long time. I will get back and be a hospital nurse again soon" I just need to search that old Xander within. The optimist, the enthusiast, the persistent.
The only thing that is right in this moment is that I am still with my first love, my wife, through thick and thin. For that alone, I am blessed. I get tired of complaining so much that i forget how blessed I am. I know, our lives will turn around the soonest. I may not be a good person, I seldom go to church, I only pray before I drive, but I know, Life will give me my purpose. I may not see it because I'm blinded, but i will,. I promise.
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